Something about Katie

Deep thoughts and fantasies, covered with romance, irony and tragedy

The sea ain't a land, the man ain't a still life
Jovan and me

I've noticed that people, whose portraits I drew, have left my life much faster. Is my paintbrush bewitched?!!
Or maybe these people have never been the part of my life.

From time to time life takes away someone, replacing him with a newcomer. But the closest friends of mine got lost to come back after years. And it made me think that if some person should be around, parting will breathe a new life to your relationship. But if he's not for you, then even thousands of partings will never make you happy with him.

My treasure
This year 2011 has been many-sided, and I can't know what will happen to me before it's the end, but it promises much.
Hard and depressive winter, full of disappointments and mental self-distruction. Funny spring brought a particle of hope to me, but suddenly took it back in the end. And then my wonderful summer has come. It was expressive, bright and warm. Countryside or seaside weekends with friends, exciting discussions and picnics, mountain climbing, reading aloud, home parties in a cozy circle of nice people. Oh, I wish they all know how helpful was that time for my tired heart! But it's gone.
Now it's my 27th autumn. Lovely, apathetic, agressive, hysterical - different day by day.
The two weeks tour Odessa-Koktebel-Kiev was spectacular! I'm greatful everyone for being so kind and attentive to me. For the cold and refreshing sea and sunny days, for the music and smiles.
I caught the last warmth, and the trees were holding their leaves on. It seemed like the nature was expecting of a sign from me, I should tell her: "Yes, my dear, I've got enough from this summer, you can go forward". And only when the sign was given, the trees made a deep sigh and relaxed, and then all their leaves became yellow and red, started to fall one by one, then clouds appeared in the sky and tiny water drops covered my shoulders...

Yesterday I was screaming like a crazy, I had an awful mood - everything seemed useless, empty, senseless. I felt like no one needs me. I know the reason. Women will understand. But there was the catalyzer - few days ago one guy reminded me how nice it was to have someone, who treats you with all his care, who holds you gently even though he's much stronger, who fills your mind... It was like to hear an echo from my past. This person wasn't the reason - my feelings were. They woke up for a moment and I've understood how much I miss them. How much I miss the pleasure of trembling knees, red cheeks and voice vibrations... Miss that priceless treasure - the real love. I can't feel it now but I'll try to be opened for it always, and maybe someday it will enter my heart again softly like a butterfly.

Something's gonna change soon. I can feel it, it's hidden behind the superthin veil, and I can see only its silhouette. But I know it's getting closer every single moment...


Rainy mood
I've never felt so good after the rain. But today all these grey clouds are running in the sky together with small sunbeams, in one beautiful stream, and it looks fantastic! :)
Last days of spring have come - the last days of strong winds and cold air, last days of sorrow and emptiness in our souls.
Something special now is covered with water drops inside of my heart. Enjoy this funny feeling waiting for the warmth.


Slavic pussies for every taste and purse!
Оne more stupid ad in skype today! I must admit these annoying ads make me sick already. It's a big shame for Slavic girls, but unfortunately wedding-business is getting more and more popular. Many foreigners are silly to believe promises and have stereotypes about Russian mentality, they still come here to get an easy pussy or pretty housekeeper. :'-(

"Greetings dear!
I'm Marina. I live in Russian Federation.
Do you know that the most attractive ladies in the world live in my country? That's true!
I invite you to a very good international dating site where hundreds of lone I am searching forly hearts are looking for their future lovers.
I dream about meeting a charming one I am searching for longterm relations or even marriage.
Are you the one I am searching for? ;)"

No, fortunately, I'm not the one they're looking for :)
Idiotic service! And I hope ones who have read this will agree with me.

Midnight letter to Ville
You've asked me about what kind of girl I think you need to look for. And I didn't want to answer, because there is no actual answer on this question. And do you know why?

I will show you on my own example.
I realized few days ago, that all my problems in life were caused by making some relatively realistic pictures in my mind ("I should look for common pic outside" – I thought), making some expectations of people, their qualities and actions. My parents, best friends, environment, stereotypes and my experience made this pictures and I took them like my own, like all people do. And these pics were the only possible thing to happen for me, otherwise I felt anger, sorry, annoying etc. Of course, that mentioned pictures were not about everything.
When I was much younger I had a picture about music – if someone listens to heavy metal or cheap pop – he is stupid and not interesting. But then I saw, that stupid was to have this attitude to people only after knowing what they prefer to listen and what they wear. Of course, it was very easy to live in the world, separated on metal-heads and normal people, but it was wrong. Then I deleted all stupid pics like that from my mind, but the most important pictures left and started to grow and get stronger – now I have 3 main pics stereotypes.
1) I can’t live alone (but funniest thing is that I live actually – ha-ha!), my life is senseless without love, I need to take care of someone. I need a strong man’s shoulder under my cheek. Next pic describes that shoulder in details :)
2) The man I need must have specific qualities like being smart, strong (like a bull, it should be visible), be reliable, take care of his woman and show her his love every day, he must be even brutal. So, you can see, that I want typical Gorilla, the strongest in the herd. 20 y.o. students with no muscles and glasses on their noses are not for me. :))) Why only first-class male? Oh, here is the next picture to explain this. The best male for a female, who knows much and has many skills.
3) I am one of the smartest girls, almost all I can explain and analyze. I have good skills in many things – yoga, design, piano playing, badminton, marketing, psychology, maths, shipbuilding, etc. I was sure I am a dream girl, but also knew my lacks, it doesn’t mean I was proud of everything I do, just was self-assured.

But the irony was – more I was sure what or whom I want, more I got disappointments in things and people. My expectations made this dirty work for me, and I could not understand – why such a good girl like me should suffer? Why I can’t find my love?

The answer came after years my trip to Finland. And I am grateful for this to you!
You were just my picture for the first days, because you did nothing special, but then I've understood that you and my picture are different and started to change you. I was silly to think: “Oh, you’re wrong! I can fix it, I know what kind of person you must be!” It’s so funny, don’t you think? Wow, I was like a bee, trying to brake the window glass. And you also were kind of... bumblebee I guess :)
But even smart people can make mistakes. And no one has right to tell someone how he\she should behave, no one has right to change us, people are not our property, and our way of life and thoughts should be only ours. That’s why I also didn’t want to give you any advices, because you’re smart enough to think for yourself.

People usually think that time's not enough, and try to find at least someone to be with, while it’s not too late, and maybe change this person in future. They think they are not so cool (figure, mind, character) to find a good partner, so they are ready to live with someone not very nice, who will just give them feel themselves not alone. Our parents and teachers feed our fears with words “Oh, you’re worthless”, “You will get nothing”, “No one will be with you ever!” and so on. And society also tells us: “What? You are 40 with no wife, kids, own house and dog! Oh, you’re looser”. But in real, all that social rules we know – about age, family, responsibility – all this is illusion of control. But reality can not be controlled, this makes it so amazing!!!

What if people just wouldn't have special expectations about others? What if we wouldn't try to control everything? What if you will not compare your girl to some perfect (or just suitable on your opinion) doll in your brain? Maybe then this real person will not be wrong.
If you can make accent on bad behavior, as well you can mention only good things! It’s so easy to live with good thoughts! You can accept all the lacks and weaknesses in other human being without judgment and blaming, but it doesn’t mean you will agree with bad behavior, you’ll just make no noise and scandals about it. And then, when you accept the girl, you will probably notice what she does something you can’t take for years. If you'll think more, you can understand would you be able to live with her, with love, respect and care for many years even if she will be not like your picture. And if something in her is too hard to take – just finish this relations.

I made my pics not so important for me and feel difference already. And I wish you would have no special expectations about girls and would not stuck on a wish of serious relations. Be sure you are happy now, on present moment, even without a girl. Enjoy your life! You can deal with your stereotypes, you can learn so fast. You’re good man, one of the smartest I know, you deserve happiness!
You know it yourself, I just wanted to share my thoughts about it and show that I care about you.

Pause! Reload.
Days are going by, and nothing really changes inside of me, just surrounding moves, like I’m sitting in the metro train. “Be careful, doors are shutting. Next stop – 27 years.” And then I look through the window and see all that landscapes changing, sunsets and sunrises spinning round, stars drop on the sky, like billions of brilliants, wind blows and brings new clouds and some leaves from the yellow autumn trees, then snow makes all white and silent, then rain starts, puddles are drying on my eyes, nature wakes up and like a small explosions leaves and flowers appear on the trees, all new faces just appeared and gone in this flow, my friends, strangers and relatives, new addictions, new hopes, disappointments, conclusions… Constant movement, no way back, just forward till the rest of my life. Faster and faster year by year!

Where is the end station? Who waits for me on the next stop? Perhaps nobody. Yeah, we all are lonely, in a way, but we like to feed ourselves with illusions, that someone needs us and nobody else, that we are special, at least special for someone. We want pure everlasting love. “Credendo vides” – you will see, if you really believe in this. Maybe I just don’t believe in real love anymore, I don’t believe in miracles. Now, on present station, it seems like all people can be forgotten, all feelings can go away, all dreams can be broken. Too much pain, too many mistakes. Is this despair? Oh, sometimes I want to put my tape on pause and just do nothing! Relax my mind and body, but time waits for no one, and I’m not special. I’m not an exception.

I was such a silly girl! When I was a child I was so sure, that in 25 I will have loving husband. Few nicest children will run around playing and laughing. We will live in a small and cozy house on the sea with our dog, ride bicycles, look on stars evenings or drink hot tea sitting near the fireplace, have family picnics weekends, teach our babies to love nature and respect people. I will cook, draw pictures and sculpt, spend time with kids, my husband will work, play guitar and plan our leisure, we will play with our funny children and help them with homework. We will have few friends and they will feel like the part of our family. We’ll be great parents – strict, but open-minded and funny…

Now I’m 26, I have no loved one, no kids of course, just few great friends, on whom I can rely any moment. I think it’s not bad, but still – not the best scenario. And it’s not about age, definitely not about marriage - it’s more about my principles. Of course, I expected more, because I thought I deserved it. But… Now, after visiting Finland and got so frustrated, I don’t want anything happen to me, I don’t want anybody love me, I don’t want to be an example of family relations. I’m tired to fail all the time, I'm loosing my taste to life. With tears on my eyes and broken heart I press “pause”!

What for do I need that huge experience I’ve got during all these years? I don’t know now. But I can use it for fun. I will live in my past for hours, looking for possible variations of my deeds and people’s reactions. “What if …?” – I think, and my brain starts to build parallel realities, it can build billions of great lifes, but unfortunately no life is real. I like my travels to past, because there I can be better, I can never make mistakes, I can fix everything so easily. I can be with you, you can love and respect me. I can be not strict and more understanding, the real woman. We can play guitar and piano together, sing and cook, support each other, laugh and cry watching movies. We can be whatever we want. In this “pause” moment, when everything is not real, but extremely nice.

Today I can do nothing with my emptiness inside and some pain I have, except writing all down and trying to leave it here, in this letter. I try to throw it all away through my keyboard, like all painful left on my finger tips and now gone to this keys, chip sets and wires forever.

I decided, that I will write a novel about this, someday. Soon. When my feelings will be not so hot, but memories still fresh. Writing always helps me, it’s one of the ways to relax and travel labyrinths of parallel realities, which I built in my hungry mind. That’s why I'd like to make it my profession.

I'm Waiting For My Man

Performance-dance "Amelia" of the Canadian troupe "La La La Human Steps".
Music: Nadine Medawar - "I'm Waiting For My Man".

When I was 5 y.o. I was dreaming of being a ballerina. There was nothing special on TV - only aerobics channel, USSR news and ballet. Aerobics was too simple, news were boring and only ballet was always exciting.
But now I am adult. No more dreams of ballet. Just enjoy beautiful performance. And dance at home sometimes, when nobody can see me...


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