byaka_kateva


Something about Katie

Deep thoughts and fantasies, covered with romance, irony and tragedy


Lifetime
byaka_kateva
When someone will ask you: "What do you do?" - next time just tell him the Truth.
Say: "I waste my lifetime in vain expectations, unfulfilled hopes and unrealistic dreams".


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Labyrinth
byaka's legs
byaka_kateva
Most of people wander in their own labyrinths for ages, hoping to find happiness. They try to leave some signs - just in case they might need to get back home. But in fact all that they do is just walking in circles - always return to past. Turn the right, turn the left - and you'll find your signs here again despite you moved in a new direction. You see your signs over and over.
Then you think it's better just sit down and wait for someone to take you out of the labyrinth. Someone wise and strong, who knows what to do. But surely this ideal person never comes to set you free.
Because this rescuer is You.
And your labyrinth is nothing more than your own creation.

As for me... I'm also trapped till now in this labyrinth of fears, desires and illusions.
Sometimes I hear a voice behind the wall and feel I'm not alone on my way.

I saw my signs lately and should start from scratch.

Somewhere has to be the right way out of here.
The way where we meet each other.


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Bad Habit
byaka_kateva

I find you a soul mate.
And you're trying to re-convince me somehow instead of letting me enjoy our "I understand", "same thing" and "me also".
I find you kind and attentive.
And you're trying to assure me you're not, showing every time, that you don't really care how I feel about you.
I find you frank. But you're definitely not fully frank with me.

You're just another bad habit of mine. Not so easy to get rid of.

And I won't ever change my mind - you will always be a mysterious reflection for me. You replicate my thoughts, you reflect my feelings and intentions. Or at least I think you do, but it makes no difference.

Yet there's one serious difference between us.
I'm weak. So I
retreat.



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Too old...
byaka_kateva
Adam: So whats your interest in practicing English?

Me: Should I have any explanation of my self development?

Adam: I guess not, you're pretty witty by the way.
...So where do you get your confidence from?

Me: What a strange question.

Adam: I was just curious, you seem very confident.

Me: I'm too old to be non-confident.

Much in common
byaka_kateva
Similarity? Oh, it means nothing!
You can sit for years either on a park bench under charmingly blooming trees, either under a bridge looking on sunsets above the river, or on the roofs of high houses counting stars; admiring speeches of each other, admiring the deep thoughts and brilliant jokes. If you could, you'd spend hundreds of years on throwing words to the wind, like colored balloons - and from time to time pick one of them, someone's brilliant phrase, for a long memory.
But one day you may realize: what were you admiring of? What are your similarities? Musical preferences, movies, tastes? Rubbish! These are not similarities.
There are tons of wonderful movies, fascinating music bands and smart books.
Someone isn't special even though loves same stuff as you do. As when you'll face difficulties - you'll find out that no movies will make a person more attentive, more kind and faithful. And all philosophical arguments, long term discussions are meaningless, when reality comes over.
What happened is that you just caught one wave for a while - that's it. You could do it with anybody else if you wish, couldn't you?

The real similarity is when you both act identically in same situations, when your thoughts are extension of other person's. When you don't need any words to understand each other. When you don't compare this person to yourself, but feel like you're a single unit. Well, it's barely possible to reach even after years spent together.

I wish I could be so patient to make no conclusions about people if they agree with me when I passionately talk about something important. I wish I could love a person, but not his tastes, not his eyes or his hairstyle.

Hey, wait a minute! I guess I can.
No-no, definitely I do. Hm, love and respect with no regard to superficial qualities are here already. The thing I'd really fall in love with is... his care. Am I nuts?


Cocoon
byaka_kateva
Feeling like a creature inside of the cocoon - half caterpillar, half butterfly.
Not strong enough to fly. Not weak enough to die.

Just keep enveloping my web around the body slowly, keep going deeper away from outside world. Saying goodbye to past affections, shutting down from new ones... Don't want anyone see me or hear my voice. I'm hidden.

And I have wings already, I can feel them growing behind my back, but can't make any move yet. And I even don't want to try...
I will break my cocoon surely. When I'll be ready to open it and let the spring come in to fill my empty world...


About truth and forgiveness
byaka_kateva
He: Do you expect anyone would believe you've never cheated in life? =P

Me: No. I expect they won't cheat ME.
I can feel when someone's lying.

He: Ha-ha! What do you consider cheating is, besides the obvious?

Me: Obvious only. Not telling me the truth. No matter how cruel it is. No matter whether is it big or small. Keeping silence about something I should know.
Sometimes people say more with their eyes. It's the only way of cheating I accept. When a person is shy or afraid to say something good, but I can see what's on her\his mind.

He: Honesty is a foundation of any relationship, but then again it's hard to come by these days.

Me: But fortunately still possible.

He: Yeah, but the real challenge is make it last. I mean, once someone loses interest or love with their partner in crime, it's game over...

Me: But you should mention circumstances and the time spend together. 10 years and one little intrigue probably may be compatible. It's ok when people make mistakes - that's how they learn. But same mistakes over and over lead to never ending playing in "oh, sorry, next time I'll tell you the truth".

He: So what kind of incidents are forgivable and what not?

Me: You can forgive everything. But not forget.
And anyway. Lost trust couldn't be returned.

He: You must read everyday since you know so much.

Me: I do read much.
But reading won't make you wiser. It may increase your vocabulary. Mostly it's just for fun. Virtual adventure to get some emotions. Or interesting information. But information is nothing without any real experience.


This fussy world won't wait for you. Run!
byaka_kateva
The changes I was talking about in previous posts are already coming to my life little by little. Like I'm plunging slowly under the water, step by step - and first I feel this refreshing coldness with my toes, then knees, hips, and by this moment the cold waves are touching my tummy, covering the whole body with goose pimples.
I am nearly eaten by the river of changes, which precipitously carries me forward.
I'm in the stream of inspiration, my friends. Every single day excites me to the bone! My dreams don't seem to me so distant any more.
And who knows what or whom will I see around the next bend. Perhaps it'll be You,  my beloved phantom, my eternal muse...



Impressive moves!
byaka_kateva
Powerful combination of the electronic music, technical graphics and a very beautiful dance moves for my inspiration.
Sometimes their hands look like growing tree branches... Oh, what a plastic!


Precious moments in Kiev
byaka_kateva
Oh, I can't remember more exciting vacation in Kiev than my last weekend!!! It was so warm, romantic and ...fleeting!
I'll try to describe it briefly.

First of all, when I was told that there are no train tickets to Kiev, I was amazed but didn't give up and took the bus.
The trip was hard. I don't like buses, especially when going so far. When I sat to the bus, I already had a snuffle and  fever, suddenly appeared that day. And it was too hot inside during the ride, as the heating was on maximum. The driver shouted on me when I asked to turn it off, so the service was disappointing, despite the high cost.
But I've been rewarded with a great weather and my close friends' company. :)

In the morning after arrival I've got a very unexpected phone call right in the metro, and it made me smile. Someone remembers and cares about me.
On Saturday Kate and Gene walked with me all day long. Twisting streets, museums and exhibitions - and I simply forgot about my illness.
The Toy museum was especially catchy. Nothing special, but nostalgia. Sharing memories and emotions...
After the supper we played Poker with red wine and cookies (and even though I've been drinking water, I felt like drunk somehow). We went to bed completely exhausted, but absolutely happy.

Sunday was a shopping  and pizza day. One nice glasses seller on Andreevsky descent took a couple of really awesome pictures of us on his camera and promised to send 'em on my e-mail. We both are looking forward :)

[Here is one of that pics. I've got them in November]
Me and Kate. Andreevsky descent.

Nothing else, but the sun above our heads, some funny stuff on the shelves, deep conversations and laugh.
I haven't met anyone else, contrary to the plans, but I think that's what has made these days so precious.

My best Kiev adventure ever!

Love you, Kate, and see you soon, sweety ;)

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